When to end your long distance relationship
Have you opened Instagram lately? If you look at other people’s long distance relationships, they often look perfect, with two smiling people at a tourist landmark expressing their love for each other. Apart from the tearful goodbyes at an airport, it’s easy to get the impression that long distance relationships are both easy and common, and rarely end.
Well, let us tell you, they may be common but they’re not easy and they certainly end.
So if you’re struggling in your long distance relationship and you’re wrestling with the decision of whether it’s time to call it quits or not, this blog post is for you.
If you’re reading this or you’ve listened to our podcast then you probably know that we “made it”, closed the distance and got married.
But before that, we called it quits for a while. We were 20 years old, Aindrea lived in Arizona and Rich lived near London, we were both at school and we knew that we wouldn’t have the money to see each other more than once a year – at best. We made the painful decision to end it. (Get all the details about this in our story.) So we mean it when we say we know what you’re going through.
Relationships can end for any number of reasons, but there are some recurring reasons that particularly affect long distance ones.
Jealousy
One of the hardest parts of being long distance is not being together, but that’s extra hard when your boyfriend or girlfriend is out enjoying themselves and you’re not there. Thanks to social media, you get to see the enjoyment and them having fun with other attractive people. Needless to say, it’s pretty easy to get jealous in that moment. That’s why trust is so important when you’re separated by a lot of miles and don’t get to see each other very often.
If you’re constantly in fear that the love of your life is cheating, you’re not going to have much fun. And that pressure is a problem for both of you, because there’s almost zero chance you aren’t projecting it onto them. If they’re truly doing nothing wrong, then it’s unfair to make them feel guilty for socialising and having fun. On the other hand, it’s not very nice to regularly act in a way they know makes you feel uncomfortable. As so many things, it’s about finding that middle ground and discussing things properly.
Nonetheless, though, jealousy has cost a lot of relationships, and it’s important that you keep it out of yours.
You can’t afford to see each other
This was basically our problem. At 20, both being students, living 5,000 miles apart, we knew that seeing each other was going to happen rarely. Once a year at the most. Everyone will have a different tolerance for that, but we knew it wouldn’t make us happy. We wanted to share moments together, not argue over why we weren’t with each other.
The funny thing was, this prevented us seeing each other in person. When the relationship was only through phone or Internet communication, it was its own thing and we were happy to maintain that. But we knew that as soon as we met in person, it would change. We knew we wouldn’t be as happy with the situation anymore, and it would sour things.
A lot has changed since we were long distance, especially the advancements in technology to communicate with each other, but one thing that hasn’t changed is the expensive nature of regular visits.
Your needs aren’t being met
You want to be together when you’re in a relationship, and the cruel part of long distance relationships is that they stop you.
But the human race didn’t build amazing architecture and racing cars and visit the fucking moon by sitting back and saying “Oh, well, life is hard.” Nope, the human race got to work and it turns out we’re pretty inventive when we want to be.
And so it is that in 2019, you can not only charge your books and cigarettes electronically, you can also have a partner on the other side of the world, controlling a piece of silicone that’s caressing your genitals using an app on their phone.
If you don’t think that’s incredible, you’re a tough one to please.
But, sadly, it’s not always enough. While it is truly amazing that someone in Australia can use a phone to tickle a vagina all the way over in France, let’s not pretend that the piece of silicone moving independently is comparable to a real person.
Sure, it’s fun, but there’s no warmth.
It doesn’t understand you and move with you.
There’s no connection between you.
And ultimately, that’s what we want, crave and need in a relationship. It’s the reason people get married instead of carrying dildos and pocket pussies around.
Other people’s opinions
People judge.
A lot.
Not much of a secret, is it? We know people do it, and we can really take it personally. We often know we shouldn’t; we’re aware they do it because they’re jealous or insecure about their own situation, or wishing they had the courage to try something new. But, it can still hurt.
For some reason, there are people out there who hear “long distance relationship” and think they’ve been personally invited to take the stage and deliver a lengthy sermon on why they’re stupid and won’t work out. You’re probably aware of the highlights from these speeches:
“She’s cheating on you!”
“Why can’t he find someone where he lives?”
“You’re not allowed to move away.”
“They never work.”
“Travelling to a strange country to meet a stranger from the Internet? You’ll get kidnapped.”
What really stings is it’s typically people we care about who try to warn us off. Close friends and parents in particular. So it’s natural that as we hear these warnings more and more, they can start to sink in.
The doubts and worries get bigger, and we think “Maybe they’re right.”
Before you know it, you’re both single again.
You feel like a parent
Sadly, this is more common than we’d like to think. It’s not unique to one particular gender, and it can be apparent through a number of ways.
We’ve heard people complain their partner takes zero care of their appearance. Not just that they’re happy wearing scruffy clothes – zero care. Unwashed hair, bad breath, dirty clothes.
We’ve also seen those couples where one person seems to be unaware they have working legs. They won’t help out around the house, or do anything productive. Life beyond the TV is a mystery for them, and their partner – whether they’re local or in another country – ends up feeling like they have a child rather than a partner.
This also includes the relationships where one person feels like they’re making all the effort, and practically begging the other person to be present.
Remember: you deserve better.
So what next?
As much as we’d love to give you a definitive answer, the truth is there isn’t one. You have to think and choose for yourself.
Ask yourself if there’s light at the end of the tunnel for this relationship; are you prepared to keep going if there isn’t?
If your partner isn’t meeting your needs or requirements, will they step up?
If you’ve made a mistake, don’t think you need to carry on with it so the time already invested hasn’t been wasted. If you can say you’ve done all you can and it’s not working out, sometimes that’s truly for the best.
We go into more depths about when to call it quits in a long distance relationship in episode 36 of the podcast – stream it now for more insights and advice.