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EP84: Saying goodbye in a long distance relationship

In this week’s episode, we’re talking about one of the hardest long distance related topics – saying goodbye after spending time together, and heading back to that LDR life. With tips for coping and strategies for making it work, this episode can help you deal with the pain of saying goodbye, especially in uncertain times such as these. 

You might also find Episode 30, Coping between visits in a long distance relationship, to be helpful.

From Long distance to marriage – Episode 84 transcript

Aindrea	Hi everyone and welcome to episode 84 From Long Distance to Marriage.
Rich	You’re looking very formal today.
Aindrea	I am a very formal lady. Maybe I have a future in broadcast. Anyway, people say I have a face for radio.
Rich	Who says that?
Aindrea	Nobody. But maybe that’s why we do it. Anyways this week we’re going to talk about saying goodbye after long-distance relationships visits.
Rich	When you’ve met and you have to leave again.
Aindrea	Yeah. So, saying goodbye when you’re going to have to be apart again. We have quite an early episode, episode 30, that’s about coping between visits. But while we touched on goodbyes, we didn’t really delve in as deep as we could have. It’s that worst part of seeing each other again because you’re so excited to see each other after how long being apart. Right now, with coronavirus and travel bans, god knows how long it’s been since you’ve seen each other and now some restrictions are starting to lift, hopefully you guys are able to start rearranging your trips and start seeing each other again. But you always know that you’re going to see each other again and then you’re going to have to separate. The sad thing about it is that it can really affect your final days together.
Rich	There’s a lot of anxiety that comes with it too. When you’re apart there’s strain and pressure. So, it’s easy to worry because you may worry that they are going to turn around after you meet and say they can’t do it anymore.
Aindrea	Yeah. That is a huge concern. That’s one we had. Not enough to affect things but it made it harder and scarier. So, we wanted to talk about the emotions involved with this and saying goodbye, tips to cope to make things easier, and how it’s a bit different right now in the current situation. Our number one tip is to try to have the next visit lined up before you say goodbye. That doesn’t mean having everything arranged but have a date you’re aiming for. Have. A rough plan so you feel like you have something to work towards. When we had our first visit, things were a bit up in the air. Your family was potentially emigrating to Canada. So, I came over to England to live with Rich and his family for about a month. They were in the process of doing all the paperwork to emigrate to Canada where they have family. So, I didn’t know where they would be when we were going to next see each other. That really didn’t help me. I struggle with anxiety. The long-distance really did mess me up. But if we had known the next visit, that would have helped a lot. But we didn’t decide that till a few months later. I came back to the states late July, went back to work. It wasn’t till the middle of September that we decided the next visit for me to go back at Christmas. Then you said a few weeks before that you said how about I come back with you and stay with you in the states for a bit.
Rich	It was two flights back to where you were and they both have seats available next to you. Which was crazy because the flights were pretty full.
Aindrea	I think the reason they were like that is because I chose the middle section of the plane, so there was an odd seat next to me because I was flying on my own. But yeah it was amazing, and it was months after I booked my flights. So, I think if when I left London in July said okay, we’re going to see each other at Christmas, maybe the first couple of months would have been easier for me. So, if you can then do it. Obviously right now, that might be hard to do, it depends where you live.
Rich	I saw on the news that when the EU opens back up, they aren’t letting Americans in because apparently the US hasn’t been strict enough for the EU’s liking. Whether or not that happens, the point is that there’s a lot of uncertainty and decisions can be made together but they may change. Brexit is still looming for the UK. So, there’s a lot going on right now that could change things.
Aindrea	Yeah. I have said on many occasions that if you enter a long-distance relationship and you’re the one that moves to close the distance, you haven’t limited long-distance in your life. Your family and friends become the long-distance relationships. Now I am struggling with the fact that we were going to go home for Christmas this year and now we have no idea whether we can. There’s a lot of question marks which makes it hard to make plans. But where possible, if you live a 3-hour drive from each other, you should be able to see each other.
Rich	Yeah. When all this started happening, the lock down was so strict that you weren’t allowed to drive. So, there were people messaging us saying they were a few hours’ drive away and they couldn’t see each other. But from what I know that’s not the case anymore. So, it’s worth thinking that some people are back to normal, which I know doesn’t make it any easier if you are still a flight away. What you have to do is minimise the impact of being long-distance. So that could be making plans for when we can meet that will reduce the worry of when you’re going to see each other next. So, while there is a lot of uncertainty, you still need the mindset of what can you do the make it easier. You can make an agreement, not a day to day agreement where life can get in the way but set aside one day in the week to have designated time together. You could say every Friday at this time, you could facetime and watch a movie together. This will overcome the uncertainty of travel, by putting in some time that’s blocked out every week, without the pressure of having to be around every day.
Aindrea	Yeah, I agree. Also, it could be a bit prescriptive of when you’re going to talk but some people’s schedules are so they have to do that. That’s fine but it’s always good to throw in some spontaneous stuff into those times to make it feel a bit different. On knowing when you’re going to talk, another tip is when you are staying goodbye and have an idea of when you’re going to see each other again, especially right now as that could change, it’s great to know when you’re going to talk again. That could be calling when they land or talking tomorrow at this time. I think it’s really important to have that time set out, you’re separated right now and for however long, but the importance of knowing that you’re going to heart their voice at this time or this day then that will help. At first when we were apart and I had a 12-hour flight ahead of me, by the time I landed it was probably 3am your time, so we didn’t set up a time and I didn’t hear from him, so doing that would alleviate some of that separation anxiety. Rich mentioned earlier when we were preparing that some flights have WIFI.
Rich	I would say have low expectations. It isn’t the fastest or reliable WIFI, but we have certainly text from there. I am in two minds about that, in one there’s immediate advantages to that but also if you leave it, sometimes having that forced disconnected time gives you the ability to think and reflect on the new memories and think of the future. There are so few times now where you’re offline with no distractions, no one talking to you. You can just think and be in your own head. I think it’s a judgement call for everyone. I would just say just because you can be on the WIFI, doesn’t mean you have to be.
Aindrea	It can also be a period of time where you can adjust to not being side by side with them and returning to everyday life, like a transition period. It might be that you talk about it beforehand, and maybe communicate in the first hour where you’re struggling, and you’ve just said goodbye. We didn’t have that; I couldn’t get a hold of you because there wasn’t WIFI in airports back then. If I went on my mobile data, it would have been so expensive. I remember vividly sitting at the gate after saying goodbye and finding the way to my gate in blurred vision tears, sitting there and waiting to get on the plane. I tried texting you saying I don’t know if I can do this and leave but I didn’t have any data to message you. I remember getting off the plane and messaging you saying if I could have got a hold of you, I wouldn’t have gone back. Things are so much different now. So, you can be sitting at the gate, and as long as they aren’t driving, they can reply.
Rich	Also, try to make use of that time. One of the things we talk about a lot is not becoming dependent on your partner and not pining. Obviously, you can get upset at the separation but if you’re travelling alone and, on a plane, where you are definitely going to the same place as other people, you can talk to your fellow travellers. One it could be a good distraction for you, and two you could meet new people and strike up a new friendship. It’s really easy to get distracted by the negatives. When you get off the plane, your partner is going to be there for you to talk to and your relationship will still be there, whereas that opportunity to talk to new people on the plane, that’s a fleeting opportunity.
Aindrea	Yeah. Or you can watch a movie. The movies on planes nowadays are so good. Just distract yourself, be gentle, and enjoy. I have had great conversations and made actual friends on planes. The first time I left you, I was set next to this dad and his teenage daughter, and their whole family had flown the day before, but they got to security and the daughter didn’t have her passport. So, the dad and the daughter had to stay. Turns out the daughter had left her passport on the suitcase when she checked it in. So, we were talking, and we both had interesting stories to tell. So yeah you can meet interesting people and talking is a great distraction.
Rich	At the end of the day, that saying goodbye is never going to be easy, and there’s nothing that we can say that’s going to make it easier.
Aindrea	It’s just finding out what’s going to work for you.
Rich	There’s an element of embracing the suck. You can spend all the time trying to find the hacks and you can slightly reduce how painful it is, but you mainly do that by looking at the next step. So, this chunk of time and saying goodbye is going to be hard but having something to look forward to and having something positive in mind.
Aindrea	Yeah. When I was here visiting, every site, museums, cathedrals, palaces we went to, I kept the brochures, our tickets. I was really jet lagged and wanted to break up the 6/7 hour drive back home from LA so I stopped off at my sisters then at my brothers and broke it up with some visits. The day I got home; my mum was so excited to see me. The first thing I did was start making a scrapbook of all the photos I took and printed out. So, channel your feelings and emotions into something, make a scrapbook, journal.
Rich	I think a lot of long-distance couples have a joint Instagram or YouTube account. On that point, just know that you are not alone. If you search the #longdistance on Instagram, then you will find similar couples to you in the same position. We had a lot of comments on our coronavirus blog post on our website, you can reply to other people on there.
Aindrea	Misery loves company. You can lift each other up. It really is finding what works for you. The last thing to touch on is make sure you talk about it. Obviously, you’re probably going to feel sad, worried or anxious, so talk about it. Talk about how you’re going to cope, what you’re going to do to make things easier when you’re apart again and what you think you will need from each other. Talk about it. Usually one of you will be more affected than the other so just be there for each other. Try to be proactive, find ways to make it less sucky but also embrace the suck as there’s no way around that completely.
Rich	I think we have stuff on this in our guide too, so if you want that it’s on our website longdistanectomarriage.com. There is also links to it on our Instagram. We have a lot of information on being apart, preparing to close the distance and closing the distance. So, you can grab a copy off our website.
Aindrea	Yeah. Hopefully, you guys are getting to see each other again if you have had to be a part due to this. You can get through this and do it. See you guys next week.